When I moved in to this God forsaken apartment I got 2 set of keys for it. The first set I lost when i was at the local pub and some older woman that was hitting on me throughout the night stole my jacket, I didn't want anything to do with the hag. Never seen her since.
The second time I lost my keys is more interesting though.
I was at the local pub like so many times before, I want to remember that they had some sort of event there also since it was packed with people. Just before closing time I was unacceptably drunk, picked up my jacket from the wardrobe and dang! No keys.. where's my bloody keys? Nasty thoughts went through my head like a dog on a bicycle. How will I be able to afford to go to Sweden Rock Festival if I had to pay my landlord to change all the locks? Crap I thought, and then it hit me (things you can only come up with when you are under the influence).
I ran out of the pub and to the back, started headbutting the brick-wall and punching myself in the face, there was no holding back now. I phoned the police up saying I've been jumped by 3 guys near the atm machine knowing my insurance will cover it that way.
The patrol car rolls up and they put me in the back for a statement. I come up with a bulletproof story, My phone, keys and camera was stolen I said. They ask me if I have a place to stay for the night since I can't get into my own flat. My dear friend "The Fat One" is waiting for me outside and I tell them I can stay at his place throughout the night. I put my phonealarm on 10am so I can get up early and phone my landlord up so he can sort it out. I wake up and make the call, he tells me he'll get back to me at 7pm. I tell him he better phone me up faster or I'll go medievil on him.
I head up to town and start looking around both outside and inside to see if I can find them, no luck at all. My landlord phones me up saying the locksmith will be there 2pm tomorrow. I start shouting at him and tell him I will kick the bloody door in if he doesn't come and sort it out, he clicks me. So I head home, climb through the cellar window and up the stairway. I get into position of kicking my door into oblivion but being the genious I am I first check if it's open. Who knows? I might've given my keys to a girl and told her to wait for me, I've done it a few times before so why not.
The door is open. THE DOOR IS OPEN! I check inside, screaming hello, HELLO? no answer. Check around and there they are, on the middle of the livingroom table. Problems problems..... My landlord doesn't answer when I phone him up anymore... 11pm and I get a ahold of his wife so she tells him to call off the locksmith.
Needless to say, the day after I ended up in the paper as "Brutally assaulted and robbed near the atm"
Hold on to your keys.
/Hoff
Friday, November 27, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Christmas.
Been a few days since I updated now, sorry about that but I have been busy with different things.
Anyways, Christmas and winter? What do I think? Let me tell you.
Winter and everything that comes with it is utter utter rubbish. It's cold, slippery, wet, dark and on top of all that there is big fat swine in red suits trying to dress up as santa... I need to put on a jacket when I really only wanna run around in shorts and a tee.. And then chriistmas comes, you are more or less obliged to spend time with your family. You always get dissapointed with what you are given. And it's the same story every bloody year. My mothers fiancee gets drunk and starts ranting about the weirdest nonsense you've ever heard, I pick a fight with him and hell breaks loose.
No seriously, give me a job in a country that's never seen snow. I'll get on the first plane out of this crap.
The only good thing is that I can use my new cap my friend gave me.
Enough about that, tomorrow I shall tell you the story about how I lost my keys.
/Hoff
Anyways, Christmas and winter? What do I think? Let me tell you.
Winter and everything that comes with it is utter utter rubbish. It's cold, slippery, wet, dark and on top of all that there is big fat swine in red suits trying to dress up as santa... I need to put on a jacket when I really only wanna run around in shorts and a tee.. And then chriistmas comes, you are more or less obliged to spend time with your family. You always get dissapointed with what you are given. And it's the same story every bloody year. My mothers fiancee gets drunk and starts ranting about the weirdest nonsense you've ever heard, I pick a fight with him and hell breaks loose.
No seriously, give me a job in a country that's never seen snow. I'll get on the first plane out of this crap.
The only good thing is that I can use my new cap my friend gave me.
Enough about that, tomorrow I shall tell you the story about how I lost my keys.
/Hoff
Saturday, November 21, 2009
The Warzone.
It's kind of a coincidence that I told you about my fucked up landlord in my last post.
The knocks on my door made wake up to the harsh day outside. I knew who it was.... My landlord. I open up and there he is, the short funny looking man. He's got a paper in his hand and he tells me I am evicted since I haven't paid the rent.
He is right, I have not paid the rent yet this month, but he can't evict me on those grounds. I will pay my rent like I do no matter how much it hurts. He'll get what I owe him every month and he knows this. Basically he just wants to get rid of me.
I don't know why, maybe I live here just to be an ass to my landlord. That is reason enough. However I tell the glass-eyed midget that he cannot convict me, only the IRS can. My landlord goes apeshit as usual and he asks me why he can't come inside. I tell him that I think he is a dickhead and that is the only reason I need not to let him in.
He still wants me to sign his paper, I just laugh him in the face while insulting him.
We do have pretty strict rules here in Sweden to what qualifies as a justfully eviction, he doesn't have those. And I can promise you that when I see this man out on the piss, if ever. I will fuck him up so badly that he'd retire with his glass-eye and never pester his tennants ever again.
Feel free to give me suggestions on how to fuck things up for him while he is around, I will post pictures on the result I will get.
/Hoff
The knocks on my door made wake up to the harsh day outside. I knew who it was.... My landlord. I open up and there he is, the short funny looking man. He's got a paper in his hand and he tells me I am evicted since I haven't paid the rent.
He is right, I have not paid the rent yet this month, but he can't evict me on those grounds. I will pay my rent like I do no matter how much it hurts. He'll get what I owe him every month and he knows this. Basically he just wants to get rid of me.
I don't know why, maybe I live here just to be an ass to my landlord. That is reason enough. However I tell the glass-eyed midget that he cannot convict me, only the IRS can. My landlord goes apeshit as usual and he asks me why he can't come inside. I tell him that I think he is a dickhead and that is the only reason I need not to let him in.
He still wants me to sign his paper, I just laugh him in the face while insulting him.
We do have pretty strict rules here in Sweden to what qualifies as a justfully eviction, he doesn't have those. And I can promise you that when I see this man out on the piss, if ever. I will fuck him up so badly that he'd retire with his glass-eye and never pester his tennants ever again.
Feel free to give me suggestions on how to fuck things up for him while he is around, I will post pictures on the result I will get.
/Hoff
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
It's a rainy day...
I am in the middle of a monsoon! I can hear the cracked concrete walls giving in to the storm outside. It' won't be long now I think, before the rathole of an apartment starts caving in on me. Hell, if it did I'd probably be able to sue my mongoloid landlord for loads of money.
I hate my landlord, I have long considered dropping my old computer on his head when he comes up the stairs but haven't thought it through well enough. If it happens I guess you will read about it in the papers.
I used to have an old lady as a landlord, she phoned me up every day and told me to move home with my mom again because I was making too much noise and having too many drinkabouts at my place. She never gave me a written warning though so she couldn't do anything about it. I got this new landlord 2 years ago, he's an ugly little man with what I think is a glass eye. He introduced himself properly and said that he would start reconstructing the 3 buildings he bought at the start of 2007. Great I thought, I didn't see him for over a year and didn't hear a word from him except when I phoned him up after I lost my keys on a night out (that is an amazing story, will share it with you at a later moment).
December 2008 he tells me that everyting has gone through the paperwork and all of that so he wants to reconstruct my entire apartment, I swiftly answer "Yeah, only 2 years too late". The old man starts to mumble and I can't really make out what he is saying, not that I care too much either. He then tells me that they are gonna start with my neighbours apartment and after that it's my apartment. I like the thought of having a brand new apartment and start looking forward too it.
The reconstruction of my neighbours apartment seems to take ages, 3 months passes by and nothing seems to happen. I question my landlord the next time I see him about what is going on. He says they have encountered some problems and that my apartment is on schedule in april and also tells me that I need to get rid of my cat.
-Excuse me, what did you say?
-You need to get rid of your cat.
-Are you fucking kidding me you old fart?
-Not gonna reconstruct your apartment if you keep it.
-Is that right you idiot? What if I kicked your dog out of my staircase? It shouldn't be running around here. It can bite someone.
The idiot says nothing and the conversation ended.
In the middle of april someone's knocking on my door, it's the landlord. He says that I should have the apartment ready in 4 weeksand that I can keep my cat, fine I say. 2 weeks later I ask him how it's going and he says that he will need another 4 weeks. I tell him that I demand to know what time it's gonna be since I need to move my broadband, TV and phone subscription to the new place I get while my apartment is being worked in. The retard ask me if it's worth the money it's gonna cost me. I simply tell him that it's gonna cost be jack shit since he is intruding on me in which I am right. He goes furious and tells me I can live in the flat while they are working here. Fine, but that's gonna get a whole lot more expensive for you. I am entitled to reduced rent if there is loud noise, kitchen/bathroom isn't working properly and I can't have my privacy. The idiot goes berserk and I just laugh at him.
A few weeks later he says that he is ok with me moving my subscriptions and that he'll pay for it, and he'll need the apartment on monday. So I host "Destroy the apartment party" and everyone is welcome. This was on a friday and it was one hell of a party, on saturday daytime I have some friends over to watch a movie - or several. Knocks on the door again (it's only him that knocks)I open up and there he is with 4 garbage bags in his hands saying he thinks they belong to me.
-Ofcourse they do, but there's no trashbins outside so I just put them next to the backdoor entrance for you to sort them out.
-You need to RECYCLE your garbage!
- Recycle my ass, what's the point anyway since ther's no trashbins?
-They are in one of the garages!
-And when was I notified about this? Can I even open the garage with my key and which one is it?
-No you can't and it's the garage furthermost to the left.
-Fuck that then, you handle the garbage I leave on the backside untill you give me a key and notify me properly.
He then tries to step inside my apartment, I get furious with him and kick him down the staircase.
Needless to say, I didn't get a reconstruction. My walls are full of text that I can't remove. I don't mind myself. I like living like a hobo.
However I spoke to him again recently and allthough it wasn't the friendliest conversation he said he wanted to get it done as soon as possible. I'll fill in when I know more.
/Hoff
I hate my landlord, I have long considered dropping my old computer on his head when he comes up the stairs but haven't thought it through well enough. If it happens I guess you will read about it in the papers.
I used to have an old lady as a landlord, she phoned me up every day and told me to move home with my mom again because I was making too much noise and having too many drinkabouts at my place. She never gave me a written warning though so she couldn't do anything about it. I got this new landlord 2 years ago, he's an ugly little man with what I think is a glass eye. He introduced himself properly and said that he would start reconstructing the 3 buildings he bought at the start of 2007. Great I thought, I didn't see him for over a year and didn't hear a word from him except when I phoned him up after I lost my keys on a night out (that is an amazing story, will share it with you at a later moment).
December 2008 he tells me that everyting has gone through the paperwork and all of that so he wants to reconstruct my entire apartment, I swiftly answer "Yeah, only 2 years too late". The old man starts to mumble and I can't really make out what he is saying, not that I care too much either. He then tells me that they are gonna start with my neighbours apartment and after that it's my apartment. I like the thought of having a brand new apartment and start looking forward too it.
The reconstruction of my neighbours apartment seems to take ages, 3 months passes by and nothing seems to happen. I question my landlord the next time I see him about what is going on. He says they have encountered some problems and that my apartment is on schedule in april and also tells me that I need to get rid of my cat.
-Excuse me, what did you say?
-You need to get rid of your cat.
-Are you fucking kidding me you old fart?
-Not gonna reconstruct your apartment if you keep it.
-Is that right you idiot? What if I kicked your dog out of my staircase? It shouldn't be running around here. It can bite someone.
The idiot says nothing and the conversation ended.
In the middle of april someone's knocking on my door, it's the landlord. He says that I should have the apartment ready in 4 weeksand that I can keep my cat, fine I say. 2 weeks later I ask him how it's going and he says that he will need another 4 weeks. I tell him that I demand to know what time it's gonna be since I need to move my broadband, TV and phone subscription to the new place I get while my apartment is being worked in. The retard ask me if it's worth the money it's gonna cost me. I simply tell him that it's gonna cost be jack shit since he is intruding on me in which I am right. He goes furious and tells me I can live in the flat while they are working here. Fine, but that's gonna get a whole lot more expensive for you. I am entitled to reduced rent if there is loud noise, kitchen/bathroom isn't working properly and I can't have my privacy. The idiot goes berserk and I just laugh at him.
A few weeks later he says that he is ok with me moving my subscriptions and that he'll pay for it, and he'll need the apartment on monday. So I host "Destroy the apartment party" and everyone is welcome. This was on a friday and it was one hell of a party, on saturday daytime I have some friends over to watch a movie - or several. Knocks on the door again (it's only him that knocks)I open up and there he is with 4 garbage bags in his hands saying he thinks they belong to me.
-Ofcourse they do, but there's no trashbins outside so I just put them next to the backdoor entrance for you to sort them out.
-You need to RECYCLE your garbage!
- Recycle my ass, what's the point anyway since ther's no trashbins?
-They are in one of the garages!
-And when was I notified about this? Can I even open the garage with my key and which one is it?
-No you can't and it's the garage furthermost to the left.
-Fuck that then, you handle the garbage I leave on the backside untill you give me a key and notify me properly.
He then tries to step inside my apartment, I get furious with him and kick him down the staircase.
Needless to say, I didn't get a reconstruction. My walls are full of text that I can't remove. I don't mind myself. I like living like a hobo.
However I spoke to him again recently and allthough it wasn't the friendliest conversation he said he wanted to get it done as soon as possible. I'll fill in when I know more.
/Hoff
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Early morning when I wake up I look like KISS but without the make-up.
Time to face reality, thought it was monday today but it turns out to be tuesday.. Great I think, closing in on the weekend. Not that I have any plans for the weekend but something always turns up.
Having been unemployed for 9 or so months really fucks with your head, at first it was great I have to admit, but the time it took for the welfare benefits to hand out the money I was entitled too was ridiculous. Took me 3 months to get my first payout and the amount I am getting still isn't correct, I should have about 400€ more every month. I am currently in conflict with the whoremongers up top but I keep being told that it's gonna take some time to settle the matter.
Obviously there's pro's and con's with being unemployed, you have the entire day to do exactly what you want, play the latest games, watch the latest movies, work out, and whatever you desire really. But in reality you really never get anything done. You just fill your day with useless shit just so it passes quickly to make room for the weekend. The weekend is still what matters, that's when everything is happening. I have come to the conclusion that if everyone got unemployed, it would be weekend every day since no one would have to work the day after and everyone would be looking for something to do. However this wouldn't work since we'd all be living on the street in a box which I am not that far away from doing at the moment. Saying that, I wouldn't mind living in a box as long as it was summer all year and the box had an internet connection.
Anyways, I think I need to get a job rather sooner than later as it's getting kind of depressive having 100€ to spend on food, clothes, tobacco and alcohol every month. As it is today people kind of give me the alcohol to be able to drink with me, I am in the making of turning that into my profession but I don't have the answers yet and there is a load of questions. I might aswell take the opportunity to thank all my dear friends that keep supporting the deviate alcoholic fiend that I am.
Best regards
/Hoff
Having been unemployed for 9 or so months really fucks with your head, at first it was great I have to admit, but the time it took for the welfare benefits to hand out the money I was entitled too was ridiculous. Took me 3 months to get my first payout and the amount I am getting still isn't correct, I should have about 400€ more every month. I am currently in conflict with the whoremongers up top but I keep being told that it's gonna take some time to settle the matter.
Obviously there's pro's and con's with being unemployed, you have the entire day to do exactly what you want, play the latest games, watch the latest movies, work out, and whatever you desire really. But in reality you really never get anything done. You just fill your day with useless shit just so it passes quickly to make room for the weekend. The weekend is still what matters, that's when everything is happening. I have come to the conclusion that if everyone got unemployed, it would be weekend every day since no one would have to work the day after and everyone would be looking for something to do. However this wouldn't work since we'd all be living on the street in a box which I am not that far away from doing at the moment. Saying that, I wouldn't mind living in a box as long as it was summer all year and the box had an internet connection.
Anyways, I think I need to get a job rather sooner than later as it's getting kind of depressive having 100€ to spend on food, clothes, tobacco and alcohol every month. As it is today people kind of give me the alcohol to be able to drink with me, I am in the making of turning that into my profession but I don't have the answers yet and there is a load of questions. I might aswell take the opportunity to thank all my dear friends that keep supporting the deviate alcoholic fiend that I am.
Best regards
/Hoff
The Running Man.
I do appreciate that "The Running Man" is a rather enjoyable action movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger but that is not what this is about.
A few days have passed since I made the first entry in the blog, reason being that nothing out of the ordinary has happened. However I thought I'd tell you the story about the real "Running man"
A few months back in the midst of summer I get an invitation to a bbq party, I talk 2 friends into tagging along, my brother has agreed to drop us so the last thing to take care of is the booze. As usual I don't have a dime, however that rarely stops me.
We arrive at the party and luckily enough it turns out to be free booze, bootlegged vodka and beer, only thing that could top the cheap stuff is a bottle of rum, with ice. I start digging in and sooner rather than later I have turned, into the self-absorbant fiend that never shuts up. Still, people enjoy my company and wants me to tell them more of my stories. I happily continue, it's not as if anyone else would be allowed to say much anyways, I'd just humiliate them and have everyone turn against them, in a good way...
It was time to hit the pubs since there is some kind of festival in town, but they wouldn't let me in because I was too drunk. I started yelling at the bouncer hoping to improve my chances, I find myself being severly incorrect.. All of a sudden my brain wants to implode when I hear the sound of a moped. I am thinking to myself - These swine, endlessly hanging around outside the livingroom window of my God forsaken flat, running the engines of their stupid wannabe motorcycles, driving back and forth on the street like it was some racing course. Times are many when I wish I had a gun so I could gun em all down since screaming like a mong doesn't help that much anymore.
Back to the point, violent thoughts run through my intoxicated brain and I can only come up with one conclusion. I am gonna chase that punk down and beat the living shit out of him.
I am not the fittest guy, about 190 centimeters tall wheighing in at a little over 100 kilos and I hate running. But when I do it is always for what seems to me a very good reason, I gain what seems to be supernatural powers reaching unbelievably high velocities this however only happens once, perhaps twice a year. There is a catch though. At this point I am chasing the bloody moped down the street. It's some shit hot moped I tell you since I am totally convinced I am running at atleast 100mp/h and the moped is still getting away from me. I think to myself that I won't catch up with this monster of a machine and then it hits me. Here I am running like a freak down a street swarming with innocent people and at this speed I won't be able to turn and probably not stop either. I try to slow down but no, no chance. So I let nature have it's course and just let it go. Faceplant right down into the pavement, probably sliding a bit aswell. A smaller crowd is pointing at me while laughing, I am not amused the slightest... my chin, upper lip, nose and part of my forehead feels numb. Time to call it a night.
And what have we learnt from this story? Never run not even superpowers can help you if you do. Running is the devils work.
/Hoff
A few days have passed since I made the first entry in the blog, reason being that nothing out of the ordinary has happened. However I thought I'd tell you the story about the real "Running man"
A few months back in the midst of summer I get an invitation to a bbq party, I talk 2 friends into tagging along, my brother has agreed to drop us so the last thing to take care of is the booze. As usual I don't have a dime, however that rarely stops me.
We arrive at the party and luckily enough it turns out to be free booze, bootlegged vodka and beer, only thing that could top the cheap stuff is a bottle of rum, with ice. I start digging in and sooner rather than later I have turned, into the self-absorbant fiend that never shuts up. Still, people enjoy my company and wants me to tell them more of my stories. I happily continue, it's not as if anyone else would be allowed to say much anyways, I'd just humiliate them and have everyone turn against them, in a good way...
It was time to hit the pubs since there is some kind of festival in town, but they wouldn't let me in because I was too drunk. I started yelling at the bouncer hoping to improve my chances, I find myself being severly incorrect.. All of a sudden my brain wants to implode when I hear the sound of a moped. I am thinking to myself - These swine, endlessly hanging around outside the livingroom window of my God forsaken flat, running the engines of their stupid wannabe motorcycles, driving back and forth on the street like it was some racing course. Times are many when I wish I had a gun so I could gun em all down since screaming like a mong doesn't help that much anymore.
Back to the point, violent thoughts run through my intoxicated brain and I can only come up with one conclusion. I am gonna chase that punk down and beat the living shit out of him.
I am not the fittest guy, about 190 centimeters tall wheighing in at a little over 100 kilos and I hate running. But when I do it is always for what seems to me a very good reason, I gain what seems to be supernatural powers reaching unbelievably high velocities this however only happens once, perhaps twice a year. There is a catch though. At this point I am chasing the bloody moped down the street. It's some shit hot moped I tell you since I am totally convinced I am running at atleast 100mp/h and the moped is still getting away from me. I think to myself that I won't catch up with this monster of a machine and then it hits me. Here I am running like a freak down a street swarming with innocent people and at this speed I won't be able to turn and probably not stop either. I try to slow down but no, no chance. So I let nature have it's course and just let it go. Faceplant right down into the pavement, probably sliding a bit aswell. A smaller crowd is pointing at me while laughing, I am not amused the slightest... my chin, upper lip, nose and part of my forehead feels numb. Time to call it a night.
And what have we learnt from this story? Never run not even superpowers can help you if you do. Running is the devils work.
/Hoff
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Here goes nothing.
Alright, I have quite a load of stories to tell you that has happened in the past. But what happened yesterday is better news than what happened two years ago, am I right?
So we'll start with the happenings of friday the thirteenth.
I am, I shouldn't say German but my relatives are.. In a way I would say they are far to bloody proud to forgive eachother.
Anyways it all started two weeks ago when my very dear aunt phoned me up and said that she'd be turning fifty soon, and there's me thinking she'd always been 34? How the fuck did I react to this situation? She invited me to her 50 years party with free food and booze..
Being an unemployed cretin as I am I can hardly say no to such an invitation. My aunt also informs me that I can bring my girlfriend or a girl I am interested in. Being the fiend that I am, I don't have a girlfriend neither do I want or have time for one. So I bring a chick that's got the looks and which I obviously enjoy spending time with. Done deal right? Hah! if you'd only knew...
The only one not invited to this full blown free drinking party is my mother, not that I could care less because I know the reason why, let's just say they made a hen out of a feather. It's pathetic really.. But well, that's the way it is.. proud fucking germans.
Me and let's call it my date end up at the villa where the party is hosted, we've had a few drinks just to loosen up a bit just before we arrive, no wrong in that?
I've always hated family "gettogethers" but I think to myself that this is rather fun, I come up with new names for my relatives, Bon Jovi is one and the more pathetic type gets to be called Kramer, but it's all fun and laugh. I am as usual in the center of attention and I obviously love it.
Time for food! There's twenty different dishes, from the best olives I've ever tasted to roastbeef, The Hoff is certainly happy. The bottles gets unbottled and the "schnaps" is presented, I keep the bottle very close to me for an easy refill. The oldest man in the place obviously has drinking issues and can't stop cheering with me, eventually the bottle is empty and I am stone drunk. Totally forgotten my date even though she is right next to me I walk up into the middle of the room and I grab the first pointy object I can find which happens to be a beer bottle saying to myself that this is the closest to a microphone that I will ever get.
The crowd goes silent, all eyes on me.... And yeah.. I start singing some old crap swedish song and I hear the whispers saying "tss this guy can sing" Not that I needed any boost to my self esteem but it doesn't hurt. So I do what I am best at, I rip my shirt in half and roar like only an alpha male can. After that theres is like a void of nothing in my memeory bank.. The next thing I know is holding my hand over my mouth to prevent throwing up on my dates carpet.... There is no turning back now I think, just let it go.... And so I do, my date is very understanding and keeps telling me that things like that happens to everyone once in a while. I agree while being given a huge bucket to end my misery in.
A few hours later I wake up in a bathroom hugging this very bucket thinking what the fuck have I been doing, then it strikes me like lightning to my nuts, I've been a bad boy..... otherwise I wouldn't be half naked in some unknown bathroom. Bad conscience, the fear, what have I done? This bear of a man running around a lovely girls apartment spraying vomit around like I was firefighter with a firehose. Oh God I think, is there really any sensible way of explaining what I've done?
I peak down into the bucket and it isn't a pretty sight, it's not much but still not a pretty sight. I try to be quiet since I have no idea what time it is. In a way of making things right I start to clean out the bucket thinking I am a good man. I fear what could be on the other side of that door... Did I perhaps drown her in my filthy throw-ups? I silently open the door and step out of the bathroom and to my surprise everything looks ok, no trail of fleg leading to the bathroom... Closing in on the livingroom I find 2 shrimps, not even chewed shrimps.... The livingroom looks like nothing ever happened so I pass out on the couch.
Apparently I made a mess of myself, the girl tells me the day after that I was to drunk to get served anywhere, I threw up in her sofa, on her carpet and all the way to the bathroom, being the Godess she is, she cleaned everything up before I had the chance to see it... To make things right I said that anytime she wants she can come home to me and take a crap in my livingroom, I wouldn't hold it against her.
/Hoff
So we'll start with the happenings of friday the thirteenth.
I am, I shouldn't say German but my relatives are.. In a way I would say they are far to bloody proud to forgive eachother.
Anyways it all started two weeks ago when my very dear aunt phoned me up and said that she'd be turning fifty soon, and there's me thinking she'd always been 34? How the fuck did I react to this situation? She invited me to her 50 years party with free food and booze..
Being an unemployed cretin as I am I can hardly say no to such an invitation. My aunt also informs me that I can bring my girlfriend or a girl I am interested in. Being the fiend that I am, I don't have a girlfriend neither do I want or have time for one. So I bring a chick that's got the looks and which I obviously enjoy spending time with. Done deal right? Hah! if you'd only knew...
The only one not invited to this full blown free drinking party is my mother, not that I could care less because I know the reason why, let's just say they made a hen out of a feather. It's pathetic really.. But well, that's the way it is.. proud fucking germans.
Me and let's call it my date end up at the villa where the party is hosted, we've had a few drinks just to loosen up a bit just before we arrive, no wrong in that?
I've always hated family "gettogethers" but I think to myself that this is rather fun, I come up with new names for my relatives, Bon Jovi is one and the more pathetic type gets to be called Kramer, but it's all fun and laugh. I am as usual in the center of attention and I obviously love it.
Time for food! There's twenty different dishes, from the best olives I've ever tasted to roastbeef, The Hoff is certainly happy. The bottles gets unbottled and the "schnaps" is presented, I keep the bottle very close to me for an easy refill. The oldest man in the place obviously has drinking issues and can't stop cheering with me, eventually the bottle is empty and I am stone drunk. Totally forgotten my date even though she is right next to me I walk up into the middle of the room and I grab the first pointy object I can find which happens to be a beer bottle saying to myself that this is the closest to a microphone that I will ever get.
The crowd goes silent, all eyes on me.... And yeah.. I start singing some old crap swedish song and I hear the whispers saying "tss this guy can sing" Not that I needed any boost to my self esteem but it doesn't hurt. So I do what I am best at, I rip my shirt in half and roar like only an alpha male can. After that theres is like a void of nothing in my memeory bank.. The next thing I know is holding my hand over my mouth to prevent throwing up on my dates carpet.... There is no turning back now I think, just let it go.... And so I do, my date is very understanding and keeps telling me that things like that happens to everyone once in a while. I agree while being given a huge bucket to end my misery in.
A few hours later I wake up in a bathroom hugging this very bucket thinking what the fuck have I been doing, then it strikes me like lightning to my nuts, I've been a bad boy..... otherwise I wouldn't be half naked in some unknown bathroom. Bad conscience, the fear, what have I done? This bear of a man running around a lovely girls apartment spraying vomit around like I was firefighter with a firehose. Oh God I think, is there really any sensible way of explaining what I've done?
I peak down into the bucket and it isn't a pretty sight, it's not much but still not a pretty sight. I try to be quiet since I have no idea what time it is. In a way of making things right I start to clean out the bucket thinking I am a good man. I fear what could be on the other side of that door... Did I perhaps drown her in my filthy throw-ups? I silently open the door and step out of the bathroom and to my surprise everything looks ok, no trail of fleg leading to the bathroom... Closing in on the livingroom I find 2 shrimps, not even chewed shrimps.... The livingroom looks like nothing ever happened so I pass out on the couch.
Apparently I made a mess of myself, the girl tells me the day after that I was to drunk to get served anywhere, I threw up in her sofa, on her carpet and all the way to the bathroom, being the Godess she is, she cleaned everything up before I had the chance to see it... To make things right I said that anytime she wants she can come home to me and take a crap in my livingroom, I wouldn't hold it against her.
/Hoff
Let me introduce myself.
Alright, who am I?
I barely know myself, atleast not as good as I want too. Anyways, to get started, I had a blog a few years ago. It was rather short lived simply because there's more fun in enjoying life than to type stupid texts on the internet. Still, at that time my blog was written in my native tongue; after tons of requests I have decided to create a blog written in English, a language that most of us (hopefully) can understand.
Anyways, to the point. Who am I?
I wouldn't say that I am the average guy next door, I am your worst nightmare but still your best friend, I am everything but still nothing; from Danny Zuko in Grease to Danny DeVito in Twins. It's up to you, not me.
The entire reason I started this blog is to share with you, with all the half-decent normal people my point of view, why I think we are here, what we are meant to do on this fucked up planet and the way I think life should be enjoyed.
I am a big movie fan, I really think a movie can change the way we live and act, because a movie isn't just tape, it's the hard work of someone else that put his/her heart and soul into doing what he/she thought would grasp the heart of the audience. But really? isn't that the reason of all our actions?
Still, if you happen to stumble upon this blog and happen to like what I am writing, please stay tuned. I can promise you that you will enjoy this more than you guys enjoyed Paris Hiltons homemade sextape. This blog will include a lot of profanity, reality and fiendish thoughts.
Best Regards.
(They call me Hoff)
I barely know myself, atleast not as good as I want too. Anyways, to get started, I had a blog a few years ago. It was rather short lived simply because there's more fun in enjoying life than to type stupid texts on the internet. Still, at that time my blog was written in my native tongue; after tons of requests I have decided to create a blog written in English, a language that most of us (hopefully) can understand.
Anyways, to the point. Who am I?
I wouldn't say that I am the average guy next door, I am your worst nightmare but still your best friend, I am everything but still nothing; from Danny Zuko in Grease to Danny DeVito in Twins. It's up to you, not me.
The entire reason I started this blog is to share with you, with all the half-decent normal people my point of view, why I think we are here, what we are meant to do on this fucked up planet and the way I think life should be enjoyed.
I am a big movie fan, I really think a movie can change the way we live and act, because a movie isn't just tape, it's the hard work of someone else that put his/her heart and soul into doing what he/she thought would grasp the heart of the audience. But really? isn't that the reason of all our actions?
Still, if you happen to stumble upon this blog and happen to like what I am writing, please stay tuned. I can promise you that you will enjoy this more than you guys enjoyed Paris Hiltons homemade sextape. This blog will include a lot of profanity, reality and fiendish thoughts.
Best Regards.
(They call me Hoff)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
