Here goes nothing.

Alright, I have quite a load of stories to tell you that has happened in the past. But what happened yesterday is better news than what happened two years ago, am I right?

So we'll start with the happenings of friday the thirteenth.

I am, I shouldn't say German but my relatives are.. In a way I would say they are far to bloody proud to forgive eachother.

Anyways it all started two weeks ago when my very dear aunt phoned me up and said that she'd be turning fifty soon, and there's me thinking she'd always been 34? How the fuck did I react to this situation? She invited me to her 50 years party with free food and booze..

Being an unemployed cretin as I am I can hardly say no to such an invitation. My aunt also informs me that I can bring my girlfriend or a girl I am interested in. Being the fiend that I am, I don't have a girlfriend neither do I want or have time for one. So I bring a chick that's got the looks and which I obviously enjoy spending time with. Done deal right? Hah! if you'd only knew...

The only one not invited to this full blown free drinking party is my mother, not that I could care less because I know the reason why, let's just say they made a hen out of a feather. It's pathetic really.. But well, that's the way it is.. proud fucking germans.

Me and let's call it my date end up at the villa where the party is hosted, we've had a few drinks just to loosen up a bit just before we arrive, no wrong in that?

I've always hated family "gettogethers" but I think to myself that this is rather fun, I come up with new names for my relatives, Bon Jovi is one and the more pathetic type gets to be called Kramer, but it's all fun and laugh. I am as usual in the center of attention and I obviously love it.

Time for food! There's twenty different dishes, from the best olives I've ever tasted to roastbeef, The Hoff is certainly happy. The bottles gets unbottled and the "schnaps" is presented, I keep the bottle very close to me for an easy refill. The oldest man in the place obviously has drinking issues and can't stop cheering with me, eventually the bottle is empty and I am stone drunk. Totally forgotten my date even though she is right next to me I walk up into the middle of the room and I grab the first pointy object I can find which happens to be a beer bottle saying to myself that this is the closest to a microphone that I will ever get.

The crowd goes silent, all eyes on me.... And yeah.. I start singing some old crap swedish song and I hear the whispers saying "tss this guy can sing" Not that I needed any boost to my self esteem but it doesn't hurt. So I do what I am best at, I rip my shirt in half and roar like only an alpha male can. After that theres is like a void of nothing in my memeory bank.. The next thing I know is holding my hand over my mouth to prevent throwing up on my dates carpet.... There is no turning back now I think, just let it go.... And so I do, my date is very understanding and keeps telling me that things like that happens to everyone once in a while. I agree while being given a huge bucket to end my misery in.

A few hours later I wake up in a bathroom hugging this very bucket thinking what the fuck have I been doing, then it strikes me like lightning to my nuts, I've been a bad boy..... otherwise I wouldn't be half naked in some unknown bathroom. Bad conscience, the fear, what have I done? This bear of a man running around a lovely girls apartment spraying vomit around like I was firefighter with a firehose. Oh God I think, is there really any sensible way of explaining what I've done?

I peak down into the bucket and it isn't a pretty sight, it's not much but still not a pretty sight. I try to be quiet since I have no idea what time it is. In a way of making things right I start to clean out the bucket thinking I am a good man. I fear what could be on the other side of that door... Did I perhaps drown her in my filthy throw-ups? I silently open the door and step out of the bathroom and to my surprise everything looks ok, no trail of fleg leading to the bathroom... Closing in on the livingroom I find 2 shrimps, not even chewed shrimps.... The livingroom looks like nothing ever happened so I pass out on the couch.

Apparently I made a mess of myself, the girl tells me the day after that I was to drunk to get served anywhere, I threw up in her sofa, on her carpet and all the way to the bathroom, being the Godess she is, she cleaned everything up before I had the chance to see it... To make things right I said that anytime she wants she can come home to me and take a crap in my livingroom, I wouldn't hold it against her.

/Hoff